When we talk about queering relationships, we’re only talking a little about sexuality. We’re also talking about alternatives to traditional heteronormative living arrangements.
The topic of “Living Apart Together” (LAT) keeps coming up a lot more in recent years. In an LAT arrangement, couples choose to live in separate residences while maintaining a romantic relationship. Census data from 2022 suggests that almost 4 million Americans live in some form of LAT relationship (though not always by choice).
And while couples may be forced to live separately for many reasons – like their career, schooling, caretaking a relative, or immigration – the number of people choosing LAT life for its own sake seems to be growing.
Who’s Living Apart Together?
Living Apart Together is not a new idea by any means. The term itself has been around since the 1970s, but the phenomenon – it’s way older.
- Frédéric Chopin and George Sand lived in adjoining apartments.
- Frida Kahlo and Diego Rivera lived in separate houses connected by a bridge.
- Jean-Paul Sartre and Simone de Beauvoir maintained a long-term relationship while living in separate apartments.
I’m not choosing those examples by accident, either. All three could be called queer relationships by contemporary standards. Sand notoriously had a permit to legally dress in men’s clothes in 19th century France and lived out an identity many today would class on the trans or GNC spectrum. Kahlo and de Beauvoir were openly bisexual and pursued relationships with people of different genders alongside their longer-term relationships with their famous partners.
For a contemporary example, take Sarah Paulson and long-term partner Taylor Holland. They’ve been together since 2015, but prefer living separately.
Like polyamory or open marriage, LAT offers a unique perspective for queer individuals. It provides a flexible and empowering alternative to traditional cohabitation, allowing for greater autonomy, personal growth, and the preservation of individual identities.
Why Living Apart Together Can Work for Queer Couples
Well, for one, you’re already a queer couple – why do you need a standard-issue hetero-normative living arrangement?
In all seriousness, though, queer couples have a head start on entertaining non-traditional ways of living.
(For discussion purposes, if you’re a queer person partnered with someone who identifies as straight, we’re still calling that a queer relationship. Argue that one with your straight partner. If you think we’re wrong, email or use the contact form to let us know!)
However you characterize your relationship in the vast spectrum of queer relationship styles, LAT is a viable option. Plus, living apart together flies in the face of Uhaul lesbian stereotypes. And let’s hear it for busting stereotypes!
So what are some situations where living apart together makes sense?
Different Living Preferences
Bert and Ernie. Oscar and Felix. It’s very normal for queer couples to find that they have different preferences for living situations. You might prefer a quiet, minimalist lifestyle, while your partner may thrive in a more chaotic, social environment. LAT gives you a way to maintain your preferred living styles without the compromise and resentment that can wreck a relationship.
Valuing Independence
Codependence is a motherfucker. Many queer couples value their independence and personal space – especially those of us coming out late and leaving or transforming a more conventional hetero-conforming relationship. LAT provides an opportunity to pursue individual hobbies, interests, and friendships without feeling constrained by cohabitation. That opens you both up to greater personal growth and fulfillment, plus the stability and reassurance of a committed relationship.
Exploring Non-Monogamy
We’ve talked a lot about what polyamory and non-monogamy can do for queer relationships. For couples who are open to non-monogamous relationships, LAT can be a practical and supportive arrangement. It allows partners to maintain their unique relationship while exploring other connections. And if you’re not sharing a home, you reduce the potential for jealousy or resentment.
Navigating Different Life Stages
As couples progress through different life stages, their needs and priorities may change. LAT can be a flexible solution for couples who are facing challenges:
- career transitions
- caring for aging parents
- raising children
By living separately, they can maintain their relationship while also addressing their individual responsibilities.
What Does Living Apart Together Look Like?
There are lots of ways couples can choose to LAT. Like Frida and Diego, they may have separate, adjoining residences.
They may have separate apartments in the same building or complex.
They may have their own quarters in a larger home. That can particularly help out LAT couples who have children together. Or a co-parenting couple can maintain a separate “nest” they trade off periodically.
It has to be said, though, that LAT requires a certain amount of privilege. We’re not pretending everyone can do it. Many queer people, especially young people, may struggle to afford separate residences. Cohabitation and roommates are the norm, especially in expensive urban areas.
But for middle-aged and older queer folx who value their independence and want to escape codependence, LAT offers one of many ways of queering relationships. And like other unconventional or nontraditional lifestyles, living apart together requires a lot from couples: trust, communication, maturity.
Again, you and your partner are the only ones who can know whether LAT is right for you. Don’t make any big decisions based on a social media post or viral blog article! If you’re considering LAT, take the time to have some serious, open, and honest conversations with each other about your goals, desires, and needs. Consult a therapist or trusted friends who understand. Look for support groups.
And if you’re in a controlling or otherwise abusive relationship, look for help. LAT isn’t the escape you need.
