Well, here you are. Maybe it took you a little longer than other people, but that’s okay. Lots of men come out later in life and have to grapple with gay dating terms.
What matters is now. You’re here, you’re queer, and you’re out.
And you’re ready to get out there and live it up on the dating scene!
What you’re not ready for is how much you have to learn when you’re entering a new community. Did you have gay friends before you were out? Did you feel like you had a handle on the terminology? Well, watch all that evaporate when you hit the apps and have to figure out what categories to pick – for yourself, and for your potential dates!
Gay Dating Terms for Newly-Out Cis and Trans Men
That’s why Midlife Queer has put together this glossery of gay dating terms – so you can feel a little more confident in the community as a newly-out gay man.
Are we out of bounds? We’re open to discussion! Leave a comment below or send us a message on the contact page to suggest improvements.
Baby Gay
This is you. That’s why you’re here. A baby gay is newly out or new to the community, and trying to figure it all out. But you don’t have to do it alone!
Body Types and Styles
Bear
A bear is a larger, often hairy man with a more rugged, masculine appearance. Bears are typically associated with a community that embraces different body types and masculine traits, and they often gather at bear-specific events or bars.
Twink
A twink refers to a young, slim, usually hairless man who often has a more boyish or youthful appearance. Twinks tend to be associated with a certain type of “cute” or “pretty” aesthetic.
Otter
An otter is a slimmer, typically hairy man, often falling between the twink and bear body types. Otters might be lean but still have some body hair, fitting a niche in the gay male community.
Jock
A jock is a gay man who is athletic or muscular, often with an active lifestyle that includes sports or working out. Jocks might emphasize their fitness and masculine traits, especially in dating profiles or communities.
Cub
A cub is a younger or smaller bear, typically with a rounder body or softer appearance. Cubs often identify with bear culture but are seen as “cuter” or less rugged than older bears.
Silver Fox
A silver fox is an older man, typically with gray or white hair, who is still considered attractive. The term is often used to celebrate aging gracefully and being desirable in middle age or later.
Daddy
Daddy can refer to an older man who is seen as a mentor, protector, or authority figure, often in a relationship with a younger partner. In some cases, it’s also used in a sexual context to refer to a dominant or nurturing figure in a relationship.
DILF
Dad I’d Like to Fuck. Not to be confused with “daddy,” a DILF doesn’t necessarily have to be a dad either. Just give off dad energy.
Gainer/Chub
A gainer is a man who purposefully gains weight as part of a sexual fetish or community. Chub refers to a larger or heavier man who may not necessarily be gaining weight intentionally but fits within a certain body type admired by others in the gay community.
Chaser
Someone who’s into chubs, although “chaser” can be used more broadly for someone who pursues a fetish.
Sexual Roles
Top
LIkes to give, dominate, or penetrate.
Bottom
Like to receive, be submissive, or be penetrated.
Vers/Switch
Vers is short for “versatile” and refers to a man who is comfortable being both a top and a bottom in sexual relationships. It highlights flexibility in preferred sexual roles.
Bussy
Boy pussy. The anus, obvi.
BFE (Boyfriend Experience)
The Boyfriend Experience is used in dating profiles to describe someone who wants a more affectionate, romantic, and attentive relationship. It emphasizes intimacy and connection beyond just sex.
Trade
This is an older slang term used to describe a man who is rugged or masculine, often someone who might look like they don’t fit into the stereotypical “gay” image. It can also be used to describe a brief or casual sexual encounter, sometimes with a man who might identify as straight in public.
Communities and Subcultures
Leather
The leather community refers to a subculture within gay men that is focused on leather clothing, often connected to BDSM practices. Leather bars and events are common gathering spots for men in this scene, which is often more focused on power dynamics and alternative sexual expressions.
PNP (Party and Play)
PNP refers to engaging in sex while using drugs, often recreational or illicit substances like methamphetamine. This term is sometimes seen on dating apps but should be approached with caution due to the risks associated with both drug use and sexual health.
Masc for Masc
Short for “masculine for masculine,” this phrase is used by men who are looking for similarly masculine-presenting partners. The term can sometimes be controversial as it might come across as excluding more feminine gay men.
Circuit Party
A circuit party is a large event—typically a dance party—where gay men gather for a mix of music, dancing, and socializing, often with an emphasis on electronic dance music and sometimes drug use. These events can be major social hubs for gay men.
Navigating Gay Male Dating
- Be aware of subcultures: Gay male dating is full of subcultures, each with its own norms, aesthetics, and expectations. Feel free to explore them, but also know you don’t have to fit into any one box.
- Don’t feel pressured to label: While these terms can help define preferences or identities, they don’t have to define your experience. The key is to find what feels authentic for you and your relationships.
If you’re not sure, ask: If you’re interested in a person but not sure how they identify – or what they mean by certain terms – ask. Sure, it might be embarrassing, and some people might be rude. But that’s also a way of weeding out noncompatible people!
