So you did it! You got up the nerve to download a dating app! You’re taking your first steps into the dating world as a queer woman! You’re seeing all kinds of lesbian dating terms!
Now what the hell is everybody talking about?
I had queer friends and had lived a long time as an ally (wink wink), so I had at least a little familiarity with queer slang when I started dating.
But I was not prepared for the sheer volume of categories and shades of meaning! Am I a soft butch or a chapstick lesbian? A futch? Do I need to create a new word altogether?
And that’s not even counting all the trans-specific terms, like genderqueer and gender fluid.
As always, Midlife Queer is here for representation and inclusion. We’re just defining these lesbian dating terms as we understand them, and we welcome discussion.
Are we off-base? Drop a comment or email us in the contact form to let us know!
Some Key Terms for Newly-Out Lesbians, WLW, Sapphics, Dykes, and Everybody in Between!
Babygay/Baby Dyke
A woman who has recently come out and is exploring lesbian/queer life. Someone new to the queer community. You’ll often hear “baby gay” or “baby dyke” used in a teasing or flirtatious sense by more experienced women who want to “take you under their wing”.
Butch
A woman who presents in a more traditionally masculine way. Butch women may wear men’s clothing, have short hair, and display other traits associated with masculinity. The term is often used with pride within the lesbian community, though it can be sensitive based on context.
There are many variations, such as “stone butch” (a hyper-masculine woman) or “glamour butch” (a butch woman who dresses more stylishly, such as in suits or tuxedos).
Femme
This term applies to a woman who presents in a more traditionally feminine way, but it’s not just about how they look. Femme women may express their femininity in both appearance and behavior while still identifying as lesbians.
Soft Butch/Stem/Stemme
This is a mix between butch and femme, or someone who has a more androgynous appearance—maybe a combination of masculine and feminine traits. The term “stem” comes from blending “stud” and “femme,” and is often used by younger generations.
Futch
“Femmen butch” – another term used to describe someone who presents somewhere between the butch/femme spectrum.
Stud
Similar to butch, a stud is a masculine-presenting lesbian, often used by women of color, particularly in the Black and Latinx lesbian communities. Like “butch,” the term can reflect both appearance and behavior.
Lipstick Lesbian
This term refers to a woman who identifies as a lesbian and presents in a traditionally feminine way—think makeup, dresses, or other feminine markers. It’s often used to describe a woman who bucks the stereotype that lesbians have to present more masculine.
Chapstick Lesbian
A playful term for a lesbian who presents in more masculine way; considered “sporty” or “outdoorsy.”
Top/Hard Top
A top prefers to be in the dominant (and/or penetrating, if that’s involved) position during sex. A hard top is always dominant, and may not want to be touched at all during sex.
Bottom/Power Bottom
A bottom prefers to be in the submissive (and/or penetrated, if that’s involved) position during sex. A “power bottom,” however, gives instruction and may even lead the way while bottoming.
Service Top/Bottom
A service top may not prefer the dominant position, but takes the role to please their partner. Likewise, a service bottom may bottom for their partner’s enjoyment. In both cases, the service partner takes pleasure in pleasuring their partner rather than themself.
Pillow Princess
This playful term refers to a woman who prefers to receive rather than give in sexual encounters. A pillow princess may not feel comfortable reciprocating physical intimacy but enjoys being on the receiving end.
U-Hauling
A stereotype-based joke about how quickly lesbians in relationships move in together. It’s based on the idea that lesbian relationships can sometimes become serious very quickly, with a U-Haul symbolizing moving in together after only a few dates.
Gold Star Lesbian
A term for a lesbian who has never had sexual relations with a man. While some may use the term with pride, it can also carry problematic connotations around “authenticity” in lesbian identity and experience (ie gold star lesbians are “real” lesbians).
T4T (Trans 4 Trans)
This is used in dating profiles or conversations to indicate that a trans woman is seeking another trans woman for dating or sexual relationships. It emphasizes solidarity and shared experience within the trans community.
Gayelle (or Gayl)
A playful slang term for lesbian. It’s a twist on the word “gay” but specifically for women. You might see this in social media handles or hear it in more casual, friendly conversations.
WLW (Woman-Loving-Woman)
An umbrella term describing two people who identify as female. WLW can broadly include lesbian, bisexual, or pansexual women, as well as trans women who identify as lesbian, bi, or pan.
Sapphic
Broadly refers to anything WLW – as an adjective (“that movie had some real sapphic undertones”) or a noun (a woman-identifying person attracted to women). Derives from Sappho, ancient Greek woman poet from Lesbos who wrote love poems about women.
Things to Remember for Lesbian Dating
- Communication is key: Lesbian dating communities can sometimes feel small, especially if you’re in a niche area, so clear communication is crucial. Don’t shy away from having honest conversations about what you’re looking for.
- Labels can evolve: Terms like butch, femme, and stem are a starting point but aren’t strict rules. Plenty of people identify fluidly and may not fit into just one category, so try to stay open and nonjudgmental.
- If you’re not sure, ask: Yes, ask! Ask about your date (or potential date’s) preferred terms. Don’t make assumptions about identity based on outward presentation – presentation is a look, not a uniform.
