There are a lot of misconceptions about polyamory – much less queer polyamory. We get that. America’s cultural default is compulsory heterosexuality and compulsory monogamy.
But it’s especially important for queer people coming out late in life to hear about polyamory as a part of queer life. Even just knowing it’s an option gives you freedom. Because when it comes to coming out later in life, some of the biggest questions people have are related to these fears:
- “How is this going to affect my relationships?”
- “Do I have to end my marriage?”
- “How can I love again?”
I know there’s debate over whether polyamory is “queer.” Feel free to debate that. But the way we practice it, it sure as hell ain’t straight. What it is, is a dance.
Okay, Hear Me Out – Contra Dancing is Polyamorous
Think about it this way: have you ever tried contra dancing?
Contra dancing is a traditional folk dance with roots in Western Europe and North America. It’s very similar to square dancing, except for one key difference – the number of couples.
Because in square dancing, two couples dance together. In contra dancing, all the couples dance together.
Like in square dancing, the dance is led by a caller who announces the steps and formations. In contra, dancers form long lines of couples, facing each other. The steps are typically simple, but the combinations and formations can get pretty complex.
Dancers switch partners, forming new pairs and formations throughout the dance. Contra encourages social interaction and community by constantly recombining the dancers into new duos and quartets.
There are many different styles of contra dancing – from traditional folk music to techno – but they all share a common focus on fun, friendship, and the joy of dancing together. A good contra dance is a welcoming and inclusive atmosphere for all – especially in a gender-free setting.
The Dance of Polyamory
My long-term partner and I tried contra dancing recently with a beloved old friend. Based on our friend’s experience, we went to the dance expecting elders and folk music.
But by chance, the event we chose was the queerest thing this side of Pride. The DJ played pop music she had remixed into contra time. At least half of the people dancing were queer – gay men, lesbians, trans folx. Even several otherwise male-presenting people danced in big pleated skirts that flew when they twirled.
It was all the things – joyful, affirming, warm, welcoming.
Later, my partner said contra dancing is the perfect metaphor for poly life. In the dance, you start facing a partner, but you’re hand in hand with the people around you. You mix up into groups, change partners, swing each other around. Eventually, you come back to your original partner and start all over again.
Every new partner adds something to the dance – you learn from them, or they learn from you, or you just have fun and enrich each other’s lives with laughter and human touch, if only for a few seconds.
And when that dance is over, you can grab another partner and experience it all anew.
In poly life, as in a community dance, openness and communication are key. Selfishness spoils the dance. Possessiveness and jealousy have no place in the dance. Reach out. Take someone’s hand.
Queer Polyamory and Social Constructs
Polyamory appeals to a lot of queer people – not all, certainly, but a higher proportion than hetero folk (some queer people still like the relationship escalator, and that’s their choice).
It’s not precisely a sexual orientation, although some people have made that argument. Relationships are more of a social construct, like gender. And social constructs are made to be questioned.
We think of polyamory as queer insofar as it challenges traditional societal norms around relationships. Monogamy, the idea of having one romantic partner, is a historically ingrained concept that doesn’t always align with our lived experiences.
Polyamory offers a more fluid and fulfilling approach to romantic connection – and platonic too. The emphasis on open communication and consent in ethical non-monogamy can be healing to people traumatized by comphet and compulsory monogamy.
But polyamory isn’t a monolith. Queer people engage in all kinds of polyamorous relationships. Some people choose triads or quads (relationships with three or four partners). Those kinds of arrangements – kitchen table poly – provide a certain kind of nontraditional stability.
Other people prefer parallel polyamory – you have a primary partner (life partner, nesting partner, etc), but each of you pursue other partners separately. You may have a relationship with your metamour(s) – your partner’s partner(s) – or you may not. It comes down to everyone’s level of comfort.
Or you may prefer solo polyamory, focusing on independent relationships without cohabitation or long-term partnering at all.
What works for you will take time, experimentation, and reflection:
- What do you value in a relationship?
- Where have relationships failed in the past?
- What do you bring to a relationship?
If you’re coming out now, you may feel that you have completely lost touch with yourself after years of hetero life. You may not know the answers to these questions. But the great thing about life is that you can find the answers on the way.
You don’t need the answers to start living. As Esther Perel explains:
“This notion that you have to know yourself first – that you have to love yourself first – and then you can go be in a relationship never made sense to me. Because you only know yourself through your interactions with others […] We may have core characteristics, but we are shaped by the relationship in which we are. We make the relationship, and the relationship makes us.”
The Start of a New Dance
The band Lake Street Dive has a song that goes:
Look around the room
There are so many people here like you
People who came here to be together
Dance, dance with a stranger
Til they’re not a stranger anymore
In a way, it’s describing the poly ideal. Human connection, loving and being loved, giving and receiving care without the artificial pressure of finding “The One” – if that speaks to you, if it rings true, follow that feeling.
When my long-term partner and I decided, in middle age, that it was time to redefine our cishet-presenting marriage and live our queer identities, we had already built up decades of trust, honesty, and faith in each other. We saw polyamory as a natural extension of our love. Why throw away all that love? There is always room in your heart for more.
That doesn’t mean it’s easy. That doesn’t mean it’s for everyone. The comfort of traditional marriage is you always know where you’ll “end up.” In a contra dance, you start the dance with a partner, and end with the same partner. But every time one dance ends, a new dance begins.
If someone asks “Where do you think you’ll end up,” I say you don’t “end up” anywhere but back to the earth. As long as you’re living, the dance keeps going.
Everyone who is coming out later in life has their own unique circumstances. If you’re coming out in:
- an abusive marriage
- a marriage full of lying and cheating
- a relationship where one or both of you refuse to communicate
- a possessive or jealous relationship
Those are issues polyamory is not going to fix.
But if you’re in a relationship with communication, honesty, trust, and love, then coming out and living your truth doesn’t have to be the end of a good thing. It can be the start of a new dance.
